A Woman's 12 Days of Christmas

For those who knew me WAY back when... you may or may not have seen me perform this rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas a couple of times. 

Since I'm super busy and ├╝ber tired, I'm probably not going to put in the effort that it takes to clean the house, set up props, turn on the computer video recorder and produce, direct, and act out a live version of this. 

Not to mention the editing. OH, the editing! 

Anyway... here's the written version of a compilation of sorts, taken from bits and pieces of the lives of women around the world (ok, maybe just around the city). 

Just imagine it in a Fran Drescher type of voice, and picture these lovely choppers when you get to the 5th day of Christmas...


Photo: Amazon.com
Or don't. They have absolutely nothing to do with anything, except that I think they're hilarious and wore them one year during halloween. I carried a mean "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka" accent too. Don't ax me to go there.


[cue the piano!]

[[[clearing voice]]]

[cue piano again.]


On the FIRST day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.


On the SECOND day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
2 dirty plates and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.


On the THIRD day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.

On the FOURTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
4!! rounds of golf,
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.

On the FIFTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
5 gooooold teeeeeeeth...
4!! rounds of golf,
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.

On the SIXTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
6 smelly gym socks,
5 gooooold teeeeeeeth...
4!! rounds of golf,
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.

On the SEVENTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
7 Swanson dinners,
6 smelly gym socks,
5 gooooold teeeeeeeth...
4!! rounds of golf,
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.


On the EIGHTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
8 all my chocolate,
7 Swanson dinners,
6 smelly gym socks,
5 gooooold teeeeeeeth...
4!! rounds of golf,
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.


On the NINTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
9 months of weight gain,
8 all my chocolate,
7 Swanson dinners,
6 smelly gym socks,
5 gooooold teeeeeeeth...
4!! rounds of golf,
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.

On the TENTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
10 yards of football,
9 months of weight gain,
8 all my chocolate,
7 Swanson dinners,
6 smelly gym socks,
5 gooooold teeeeeeeth...
4!! rounds of golf,
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.

On the ELEVENTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
11 loads of laundry,
10 yards of football,
9 months of weight gain,
8 all my chocolate,
7 Swanson dinners,
6 smelly gym socks,
5 gooooold teeeeeeeth...
4!! rounds of golf,
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeer.


On the TWELFTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
12 channel changers,
11 loads of laundry,
10 yards of football,
9 months of weight gain,
8 all my chocolate,
7 Swanson dinners,
6 smelly gym socks,
5 gooooold teeeeeeeth...
4!! rounds of golf,
3 french fries,
2 dirty plates, and
an empty can of Sam's Choice rootbeeeeeeer.



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