Superbowl Rules!

Two days from now a bunch of guys dressed in varying color combinations of yellow + (black or green) will take to the field and get all sweaty by chasing an oval-ish shaped pigskin with laces up and down a semi-faux grassy field.  Et voila... you have the SUPERBOWL.  Bowl. As in bowl of soup.  But, not souper bowl.  Ok, Yeah.  So, according to the announcers, there seem to be some rules these guys follow for what looks, to the untrained eye, a bit like pushing, shoving and running away with the other team's ball.  Basically... things we, as mothers, tell our kids NOT to do to each other when they play!  Hmmm...

In my experience, however, the rules that apply to the fans and fan-related bystanders are just as important to "the big game" as are those passing yardage run endzone interception flea-flicker blitz thingies that referees like to nitpick.  

And, what might those be, you ask?  Well, there isn't exactly a Super Bowl Sunday Game Watchers' and Bystanders' Off-The-Field Rule Book, per se.  However, I think I might actually have a shot at getting one published someday.  So, here's a look at a preliminary  outline some friends and I came up with for the SBSGWBOTFRB (umm... we'll work on the acronym next year):

Rule #1  
Winning is still a BIG deal even if your team didn't make it to the Superbowl because they had a horrible quarterback who was more focused on dating than practicing (Ahem).

Rule #2 (which may need to be promoted to Rule #1)
Under NO circumstances should you ever go to the grocery store DURING the Superbowl and expect someone to help you bring the groceries in (unless it's half-time, and the bags being brought in are in some way related to the game (e.g. chicken wings, soda, beer and/or chips and dip).
Rule #3
No talking. Unless it's about the game.

Rule #4
No cell phones. Unless someone is calling about the game.

Rule #5
No crying babies.  Unless they are crying about the referee's latest call against your team.

Rule #6
No hitting, biting or screaming.  Unless you are on TV, and you are coaching the losing team.

Rule #7
Walking in front of the TV during an important play will be grounds for ejection.  The replay is just not the same. 

Rule #8
Television size must correspond respectively to the size of the game that is being watched.  
(i.e.  Superbowl... SUPER large TV).

Rule #9
Superbowl watchers MUST watch Superbowl ads.  Even if they are not that funny anymore.  No exceptions.

Rule #10
If you leave a premium seat during the game for any reason other than the call of nature, there are no guarantees you will not have to sit on the floor when you return.

Rule #11
Anyone who cares anything about football shall, immediately following the Superbowl, turn to another station that is covering the highlights of the same game they just saw and follow Rules 1-10.

Ok, now for some of us women-folk who have made it through yet another football season while watching little more than a quarter of a quarter of an NFL football game... some technical terminology you might want to write down on flash cards and study for the big day:

False Start: This is like a start but it's not really.
Offside: Not on your own side. Duh.
Holding: It's not what women think.
Pass Interference: This is when a guy tries to keep another guy from catching the ball but the referee blows his whistle.  Yet, it's also when a guy tries to keep another guy from catching the ball but the referee doesn't blow his whistle.  I'm still not sure the NFL knows what the difference is.
Facemask: Mask for to protecta you face.
Roughing the passer or kicker:  Just plain bein' mean to the passer or kicker.
Intentional Grounding: When a guy decides if he can't have the ball then NOBODY can. Hmph.
Ineligible Receiver Downfield:  Apparently, it's a guy who someone pre-determined cannot and shall not catch the ball, and he's gone a little too far past that yellow imaginary line they show on TV.

Well, that's it for tonight, sports fans!  And, now... back to you, Bob!

(whoever Bob is...)