Show Me The Signage

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign..." is how the song went back in the '80s.   Twenty something years later I replay this song in my head many a day when I'm out and about.  Most recently, I was driving on a turnpike, and a large billboard caught my eye:  "Lose 40 Lbs.... NOW!"  'Now,' I thought, 'right this minute?!'  I'm pretty sure that would not be safe.  Not only would I look like a shorter, slightly overweight runway model (hahahahaha), I'd more than likely implode, for Pete's sake!

Now, as I was driving out of my neighborhood this morning, I ended up behind a car whose license plate read, "UT RULZ."  First of all, learn how to spell, Longhorn!  Secondly, just because you are in a 700 series BMW and I'm in a minivan does not mean my alma mater does not rule. Hmph.  Onward to the grocery store...

As I perused the checkout options, I passed a sign that read "Express Lane."  The words "fast," "efficient," "speed," and even "Lightning McQueen" came to mind.  So, I hurriedly placed my ten items or less on the conveyor belt.  Yet, in an instant of inexplicable suspicion, I couldn't help but lift my head up to glance over and see why nothing was actually moving in the direction of the cashier.  The lady, bless her heart (as we say in the southern states), was, seriously, about 90+ years old.  Now, I have no problem with anyone at any legal age having a job.  But, could the talent agent and/or supervising manager perhaps oversee some of the "auditions" for the role of Express Lane Checker and perhaps hire someone who wasn't born prior to the Civil War???

As I was walking out of the grocery store, approximately one and one half hours later, I spotted a sign at an upscale spa across the parking lot.  "Free Facial!" Since I don't typically have the time or money to indulge in facials, I didn't bother to read the fine print.  But, for some reason, I decided it might be fun to make up my own.  And, here's how it read (in my mind):

After purchase of really expensive spa package.
Redeemable at your own home.  Dishwasher required.
Open front door of dishwasher during high-temp wash or heated dry cycles.
Consult owner's manual for details.
Expensive Spa not responsible for frizzy hair or facial burns.

Driving home, I continued noticing signs everywhere.  House for Sale.  Children At Play.  30 MPH.  Yet, one in particular, caught my attention.  Earlier in the week a friend had been lamenting that after six kids, her dog had become the bane of her existence.  So, when I passed the sign "Lost Dog" I just had to wonder...

Now, for the last and final sign that you should probably stop reading this blog when you have waaaay more important things to do.  Every time I fuel up my car, I can't help but chuckle under my breath at a sign that we truly should take very seriously.  This sign in particular is the one that reads:

WARNING!  Static Electricity Spark Explosion Hazard

Now, can anybody tell me WHERE exactly the Warning Sign Posse was stationed when our parents used to step out of their cars with lit cigarettes and fill 'er up?!?  Perhaps they were out roundin' up signs to keep from "blockin' up the scenery."