Writer's Block and Woman-y Stuff

Writer's block.  Sounds like a cool place where a bunch of writers might live close together in one small square of land and exchange fabulous ideas around the clock while sipping giant cups of java and telling tall tales (while their children are all behaving perfectly in the background, of course).  Not so.  Just an intangible inability to come up with something earth-shattering for one's formerly-engrossed readers to peruse.  

But, I digress (I love that phrase).  I was thinking today about... well... about... ummm... are there any men around?... Looking left... Looking right... I was thinking about.....

breast pads

Yes, you heard right.  Why ever, in a million years, would a person who is wayyyyyy past that stage of life even ponder the idea?  Well, I'll tell you.  A dear, sweet friend of mine, who shall remain nameless unless she'd like to comment on the matter ex-post-facto, was telling me a tale of a mommy trying to use the bathroom one day.  And, of course, we all know what comes with bathroom usage when you're a mommy. Anyone? Anyone?  Yes, you in the moo moo with the half-strung ponytail and last week's mascara remnants.  YES!  Children!  They follow you.  They sneak up on you.  They knock (or don't) and JOIN you in the potty.  So, her daughter was in the potty with her one day and asked what the square, wrapped items were next to her mommy toilet.  My friend replied in some medicinally appropriate terminology, to which her six-year-old daughter replied, "oh, so you have breast pads and butt pads?"  Ummmm.... yes.

My friend and I laughed about that pretty steadily for about a good half-hour, and after we picked ourselves up off the floor and dried our tears of joy, we began to banter back and forth about all of the infinite possibilities one could possibly imagine for using (and misusing) a singular breast pad.  Please, feel free to throw in your ideas later.  

Here is a portion of our list (because I can't remember the rest due to several years of sleep deprivation):
  1. Emergency Tissue (why not? Aunt Dottie used to keep hers there anyway!)
  2. Napkin in a Pinch (Bounty ain't got nothin' on these puppies for cleaning up kids and their spills.)
  3. Drink Coaster (We do not recommend this one at Superbowl parties.)
  4. Yamulke (NO OFFENSE to any of my Jewish friends.  I love you, and you know it.  I'm not even sure Jewish women wear yamulkes.)
  5. Baby Shower Condiment Saucer (Nuts, anyone?)
  6. Ear Muffs (for that just-out-of-the-nursery look on the slopes!)
  7. Eye Patch (in case someone punches you for writing stupid articles like this one.)
Go ahead, give it a try, Girlfriend!  Unblock that writer in you...



  1. This is so funny! If you don't mind, I might use this in a MOPS meeting. The women would truely get a kick out of this one! Thanks for the laugh!

  2. This is SO funny!
    Confession time:
    In the mornings, Timothy brings me a cup of coffee while I'm getting dressed. I stopped breast feeding three years ago and have NO idea where the breast pad came from. It just appeared, as if the fairy godmother of breast pads dropped it there for me to remember the days of blessed let-downs, sleepy-full babies,and nursing bras. Needless to say, that old breast pad is probably the best coffee coaster I ever had!

  3. Elisa, I love it. That is hilarious! Kudos to Timothy for brining you a cup of coffee! You sure unleashed your writer's block. Great job, Girlfriend. ;) So funny!


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